After I released the integration block episode, I had a lot of people reaching out, and this is actually a question that I've been getting before that: the tangible examples for deconditioning centers and how do you actually decondition? How do you remove these patterns? How do you change your behaviors? How do you integrate something into your unconscious? That's the lesson that you're going to get, and that's the example that I'm going to share here is, the work that I have done over the past year or so around the sacral center.
The sacral center is a big deal for me. It's a big deal for me because I'm a manifesting generator. It's an even bigger deal for me because my conscious sun is in the sacral center. And it's an even bigger deal for me because when integrating this work, I realized that the sacral center is undefined in my unconscious design. In the beginning of 2021, I reached my point of burnout. This is a great example of I hit an integration block. I hit a place where my business had grown, my company had grown, the client list that I had had grown so much, so quickly that I was overworking myself. Consciously, I only have the sacral center connected to the throat center. My conscious design is a pure sacral manifesting generator with only that one channel defined. So in my conscious mind, it's really easy for me to consciously respond with action, respond with action, respond with action.
When I look back at how I grew my business in the first couple of years, that's exactly what I was doing. I was responding with action, and I was moving very quickly, and I was overworking. In my mind I was like, "I'm just showing up. I'm just showing up, and I'm being consistent," and so while I was showing up and being consistent, my ideas of what consistency looks like were much greater than what my body's actual capacity was. There’re a lot of line keynotes specifically with the 34-20 channel, that's one of the biggest challenges is that my brain works so much faster than my physical body can keep up with.
During that time, I was not taking care of myself very well. I was living on coffee. I was forgetting to eat. I was forgetting to work out. I was forgetting to clean the house. I was forgetting to do everything because I was just working so hard, and I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself. I set these deadlines that were unrealistic for me, but I thought it was challenging myself. "If I can get this done really quickly and just get it out of the way, then I can move on to this next thing that I want to do." I burnt myself out, and it wasn't just in my business. My business was where my burnout hit a wall with this integration block, but I had been burning myself out for years.
I went from being a competitive gymnast to enrolling into high school where I'd never been to school before, so it was a very new environment. To driving straight into I got my EMT certification, right out of high school, literally the week after I graduated, and then I went into classes, and I was always taking more classes than the bare minimum. There was even a semester where I took 26 credit hours, which if you're familiar with college, you know that 12 to 15 is considered full time. I've always pushed myself really, really hard to do a lot within a short period of time, and I've never really given myself that time to just slow down.
January of 2021, I had a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I was having pain, and I was in the middle of a launch. The pain started, this abnormal bleeding started the day I opened the cart for a very, very big launch; it ended up being a multiple, multiple six-figure launch. I think the timing is always so interesting that I hit the largest sales that I've done in a single day, and then I also start having physical pain in my body, and abnormal things going on in the reproductive system, which is associated with the sacral center in human design.
I think that it's funny that these correlate and being able to look back, I'm able to see the universe's humor, but in the moment I was very, very angry and very frustrated that my body was keeping me back from showing up the way that I wanted to be showing up. I didn't want to be resting or taking care of myself, so I kept pushing through the pain, and I ended up waiting a full eight days before going into the emergency room, having emergency surgery, and then I essentially needed to hand my launch off to my team because I could not show up.
For me, that was where I hit a wall. Physically, I was in a lot of pain; there been some internal bleeding, invasive surgery, all these things. Emotionally, I was very overwhelmed as well. All this stuff showed up for me, and I wasn't able to show up for myself in that moment, so I was frustrated that I wasn't able to show up for my business. I felt like my body was quite literally what was holding me back.
I hit this wall and I feel like because I was forced to slow down in that time, it really forced me to look at all the overwhelm that I had put myself under, and all of that stress and all of the pushing, pushing, pushing hit me. I saw and felt the effects of the burnout. I had pushed myself too hard, and I was completely burnt out. I've been doing a lot of studying and a lot of research on healing burnout, and how long it takes to heal burnout, and something that blows my mind that not a lot of people know is that it actually takes three to five years to fully recover from burnout.
I was like, 'I've rested for a week,' or 'I've rested for a month', or 'I've barely been able to do anything for two months, three months'. I was worried that I was never going to have the motivation to show up for business on my own and that I needed stressful exterior experiences and stressful external situations to keep myself motivated. I was shaming myself for a lack of motivation, even though I was barely starting to recover from all this burnout.
During that time, the activities that I normally use to relax, things like watching TV, going to the gym, weightlifting, and things like that, nothing was interesting anymore. I was worried like, "Oh, great. I'm depressed. I'm supposed to have this amazing online business that's thriving that I don't even want to show up for right now, and all I want to do is just sleep. All I want to do is lay on the couch," but even the shows that I was watching weren't interesting. If I was watching TV, I would find myself on my phone, scrolling through Instagram, responding to clients, responding to DMS, writing down ideas for posts that I wanted to make, or pulling out a human design book and reading a little bit on whatever was popping into my mind. I wasn't letting myself relax when I was supposed to be relaxing.
I got this nudge. I had this feeling of, 'I can't keep doing the same things over and over again. I need to shake things up,' and something that I learned forever ago about building habits and creating new routines is that it's so much easier to change a habit and to change a behavior pattern if you add something in, instead of taking something away. Adding instead of subtracting is a strategy that I've been using forever. I've used this in school. I've used this in my fitness journey. I've used this when learning how to take better care of my body and healing my relationship to food. All the ways in which I've been able to change my life, it's been about adding instead of subtracting. So, I did exactly that. I was like, "Okay, I need to add something else into my life and into my world. I need a hobby.” I needed something to do.
I used to read all the time, and I loved reading. I was scrolling through TikTok, as one does, and book talk kept really pulling me in, and I was getting all these amazing book recommendations. I love romance books; with an undefined G center, that ability to explore romance and explore relationship dynamics, and see how masculine and feminine energy works together is something I love. So, I decided that on Kindle, I was just going to start reading again. I needed something I could do on my phone. I wanted it to be super easy, super convenient, and so I could read instead of scrolling through Instagram. It was in a way to also get me to not work, but it was still just as accessible as work was.
So, I did a couple of things. I unfollowed everyone on Instagram. I keep moving the apps on my phone. In case I'm repetitively opening Instagram or something like that, I'm breaking that addictive behavior pattern. And I started reading romance books. It was really fun. It has been 315 days, and I've read 120ish books in that time. All of them have been fun, pleasurable, and not personal development focused at all. It was a very nonproductive habit, and that was something that I needed, but it was also something that distracted my brain enough to where I wasn't wanting to work, and I could actually get lost. I could actually turn my mind off.
That's exactly what I needed, and that's exactly what it became. I think that it's also really synchronistic that I was so drawn to romance books, and that led into even more just straight up smutty books, and really sexy books, and things that were just me exploring my shame, me exploring my sexuality, me exploring relationship dynamics, me exploring things that I didn't realize I had so much shame around. It was healing for my sacral center because I'm learning about pleasurable things. I'm learning about my body. I'm learning about things that work for me, and I was learning a lot about shame.
I think shame is such an interesting thing. This is a gene keys thing, but based on the line of your unconscious Mars, you have a core wound. This core wound is really an incredible thing, but my line is shame, specifically mine's in gate 62, but shame is a core wound of mine. The religious upbringing that I had is super fascinating because there was so much shame around female sexuality, and sexist for having kids. If you have had religious trauma around sex and shame and things like that, then you probably understand, but there was a lot of shame around literally anything: wearing something that showed off my cleavage, wearing a crop top or shorts. Dressing for warm weather there was still a physical discomfort in my body around, "This is too much. I am trying to get people's attention," and just so much shame around, not even just expressing myself, but just being comfortable and being comfortable being myself.
Reading all these books helped so much with repetition and exposure, and it showed me that the things that I like doing, the things that I enjoy wearing are not something to be shameful of. It's really fun that that's also a core wound, but bringing back that shame, there was also a lot of shame around that time, around being exhausted. While I was enjoying just lounging around and reading romance books between the few calls a week that I had, and showing up the bare minimum for my company and letting my team grow, letting my team experiment, trying out different essentially business structures with a team dynamic, and then I was just spending most of my time reading. There was a lot of shame around, "I have all of this time. I have all this freedom because I get to work from home now and I quit that job, and I'm not maximizing it." That was really the voice in my head was “You were able to build a seven-figure business while in nursing school and while doing all of these other things, but now that you have all of this time to put into your business, you're plateauing.”
There was this voice in the back of my head that was constantly saying this, "You're reading again? You've literally been on the couch." I mean, there were days where I would get up, and I would start reading in bed, and I would finish two or three books that day. Or if it was a really long series, I like long books, like a 700, 800 page book, and I would just read for 12 hours straight. That was literally all that I was doing, but there was that undercurrent of shame. There was that undercurrent of, "I shouldn't be doing this. I should be doing something productive." The rationale that was showing up was I'm not being grateful for the opportunity that I've been given, because there's still people who are suffering and jobs that they hate, there are still people who are working really hard, there are people who are pushing out there, and “I'm ungrateful” was the story that was coming up. I must be ungrateful for this opportunity that I have because I'm not making the most of it. All of this was happening at the same time, and that's my core wound, and that was me deconditioning all of these things around the sacral center.
Referencing back to my human design and this integration block, where I really believe that you must work with your conscious and your unconscious. This is one of the reasons why I teach manifestation is because you have to work with both of these parts of yourself. While your conscious mind wants to create certain things, this passenger wants to see certain things. If you are not respecting your body and you are not allowing your body to be in correctness, you're not going to be able to create that life, and it's going to be disharmonious. With my sacral center, being undefined in my body and undefined unconsciously, essentially what that means is my unconscious mind doesn't know how to rely on sacral energy. It feels like that my unconscious body is inconsistent.
What I looked at and what I had to work through was I can create the success and allow things to come through me, but I don't have to create it all myself. I've had to work on not letting my sacral mani gen mind just respond and act, respond and act, respond and act; I have to take into consideration my body. I have to take into consideration that sometimes I need to be doing the bare minimum. Sometimes I don't want to be overworking. It's not healthy for me to be overworking. My definition of overworking is probably three steps past what overworking actually is because I do a lot, and that's just part of my design.
When you're integrating something into your subconscious, you have subconscious beliefs. If there's a block, it means that there is a disconnect. It means that your mind is trying to believe one thing, and essentially, you're suspending your disbelief. You're saying no. If you right now said today could be a million dollar day, logically I could get there, yes. I know that miracles happen, and if I put something out today, it's definitely possible for it to really resonate with a lot of people. It could go viral. It could bring lots of people to my website really quickly. I always know that that's a possibility because I believe that we are always on the edge of infinity and your life can change in any given moment, but the mental gymnastics of trying to convince myself and trying to see that it's possible for today to be a million dollar day, every single day, I'm still going to be met with my body says, "That feels really far away. That feels unrealistic. That feels really big. That feels like a wild hope. That doesn't feel realistic."
To integrate something into your subconscious, you want it to be your natural state. When looking at human design charts, what I like to do, and what's worked for me in my experiment is looking at you consciously believe certain things, and so I've consciously been able to decondition all of the undefined centers in that conscious design, and unconsciously my body doesn't feel like I can rely on sacral center energy. It feels like that energy is inconsistent. I have to recognize that even though my mind is always there, and my mind always has access to that, go, go, go, go, go, I need to go, I need to get things done, I have to be productive - it feels that my body has inconsistent sacral energy. What I've had to kind of do is show myself that I can create a business, I can receive, and I can show up for a company without solely relying on what I can do, without solely relying on my action.
This is where I've had to learn to open myself up, to let people help me. That's been very challenging, as someone who thinks that she can do it all, and with my defined ego, I have this idea that I can probably do it better than most people. I see myself as being good at things and being able to accomplish things very easily. If someone does something, I'm like, "Oh, it's not right. I can do it better," that's not learning to trust people, and that is exactly what led me to that burnout in the first place.
My body, especially after having that physical trauma, so associated with this burnout, there's some fear around I'm going to overwork again. There was this unconscious belief and this unconscious fear in my body where it didn't feel like I could continue to create the success that I had created, because I was associating overworking, burning myself out, and being dissatisfied with making lots of money and having success. I had to show my body that I can do very little, and I can rest, and it doesn't have to be based on my actions and my responses and me showing up for things.
All last year I had to make the shift of when I show up and act and respond to things consciously, and I'm creating everything and I'm immensely holding everything together and visualizing everything; that's how I created success in the beginning. I've had to work with my unconscious design, which is this emotional projector, and essentially say “I can lead a team. I can receive. I can show up and create when I want to, and it doesn't have to be consistent. I don't have to be relying on only my effort to get what I want and to be where I'm supposed to be." I believe that, especially if you have a defined heart center and you're in integrity with your desires. That's something that I always check is if I want this and why do I want it, and looking at why I want things that usually leads to me checking in with my non-self: do I want this because I think it's going to bring me love? Do I want this, or am I taking this action because people are going to see me a certain way, or because I'm getting away from this mental pressure? I always check in with those non-self themes before pursuing a desire. But I believe that our desires are put on our heart for a reason and if we want something and it's something that we're emotionally motivated for as well, then that's something worth pursuing. That's something worth exploring. I follow my desires, and I love following my desires. They've led me to incredible places.
With this integration, I had to go from thinking, seeing and believing that all of my success relied on me showing up consistently and creating and doing things, to seeing unconsciously, really sustainably, and I've built this into my life at this point, my business generates money. My business, it keeps me safe. It's created financial security for me, for several people in my family, for several people on my team. I've built this thing, but it's not me anymore, and it does not rely on me showing up every single day. It does not rely solely on my energy and my work essentially. It does kind of, but it doesn't. I'm able to use what I've already done, and we repurpose a lot of things. We're working a lot smarter instead of just working harder, harder, harder, harder, harder.
Essentially with this integration, I have to show my unconscious design, and why I like looking at the unconscious and the neuroscience behind it. Really neuroscience, I don't know if that's the right label for this, but when you're trying to change a belief, because for me, beliefs are unconscious thoughts. They're something that you've thought over and over and over again, and so your body believes that it's true, and it’s ingrained in who you are. As children, we learn unconsciously.
There’re two types of learning. We have cognitive learning, and we have associative learning. Cognitive learning is what you are doing right now. You are paying attention to the words that I'm talking about. You're learning this topic, and you're paying attention, and you are aware that you are learning this. Unconscious learning, or associative learning, is where your body or your unconscious associates A equals B. This A equals B, or A plus B equals C, mindset or perspective is a way of learning; plants learn like this. There's been studies around plants know how to, “Oh, if I start growing in this direction, there is more sunlight over here. I get more oxygen if I lean in this direction,” and so you will see plants that will start growing in the direction of the sunlight. That's through associative learning. They say "This direction is sun; that direction is not sun. I need sun, go this way." Dogs do this. Animals are capable of this. This is how we can condition and train our dog, "When I snap my fingers and I say sit, if you sit, you get a treat, you get praise."
When we're young, we essentially have to learn everything in the world. We have to learn what everything is. There's so much to the world. I don't remember consciously learning all the things that I know. We associatively learn, and we unconsciously connect the dots through our entire lives. The conscious mind doesn't really become conscious until around the age of seven. That's usually when the conscious mind comes to life and becomes online.
When you are working with your unconscious mind and when I work with the unconscious, I like to work with the unconscious side of the human design chart as well. That's everything that's red or tan, depending on what chart running system you're using. When I work with the unconscious design or this unconscious mind, I have to remember that it learns through association. The unconscious doesn't have the same logic that your conscious mind does. In order for something to be ingrained in your body, or to create a belief, we have to treat it like a child. You have to treat it like someone who's under the age of seven, because our unconscious stores things in that A equals B format primarily. When I'm trying to teach something or associate something in my unconscious mind, I want it to be A equals B, and I try and keep it very simple.
When we're trying to change a belief, we have this unconscious belief, and we have a conscious new thought. Let's say my unconscious belief is that today cannot be a million dollar day. That's ridiculous. I don't understand how that's happening. I'm not launching any new programs. I haven't built up the momentum for that. All these stories that come up in my brain, that's because that's what's true for my body. That's what feels true in my body. If I am consciously going to say “No, today could be a million dollar a day,” and I walk myself through that logic, that's exhausting after a while. When we talked about the integration block, that's exhausting after a while. Our bodies love efficiency. They love to save calories, and they want to make everything as automated as possible. If your body recognizes that you are saying over and over and over again, every single day that today's a million-dollar day, and you get yourself to that space where you feel it, you see it, you believe it, at some point your brain is going to say that is more efficient to just accept this belief than it is to reject it over and over and over again. That is really where you're able to change your thoughts and change your beliefs.
I also like to look at the ajna center when thinking about thought work and belief work. Someone like me, I have a defined ajna and so with that definition in my ajna, I like to use the consistent way that my ajna is defined. My ajna is defined through the 17-62, and if I can logically explain my perspective and see that this is why I see that this could be a million dollar day over and over and over again, that's me using my circuitry over and over and over again. If you have an undefined ajna center, learning new things and learning new beliefs, instead of generating the thought and the perspective yourself, it might be a lot easier for you to just be in the energy of people and listening to people who have that perspective. It's almost like borrowing the perspective of other people and being around them so much that then you start to believe that too. This is like expanders, looking for mentors, or just people to be around versus actually changing your mind over and over and over again. I believe that we all probably have a combination of both. I remember I've made a post on this, and I've got questions on it, so check. I've explained it a little bit more or responded to it.
I want to share the tangible things. Let's say laying on the couch reading, and it's been like 12 hours already, and I'm still on the couch under a blanket, just in my happy little cocoon reading an amazing book, if those thoughts came up around that shame and that judgment around, I'm not being productive enough or doing enough, I would take a pause. I would put my book down for a second, and I would logically walk myself back to why is it the best thing in the world for me to be reading this book right now? Why is this exactly where I'm supposed to be? The conversation that I have had probably a sickening number of times to get my brain to fully believe this is “I trust myself. This is what feels best for me to do right now. I don't have anything that needs to be done. I'm basing this on core beliefs." I have said some of these things so many times, that they are core beliefs, and my unconscious believes these things now.
One of the core beliefs are if it lights me up, it's what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm supposed to follow that ease, follow that flow, follow what feels good. That's important for me. So, if reading this book is really lighting me up and nothing else feels exciting, and I'm only going to go to sit at my desk and try and work because I feel like I should, that's a no. I don't do things I should do, I do things that feel good, and that is how I've built my business. That's how I've gotten to where I am in life, and that's how I want to continue living. First, I check in with my intuition and say, "I'm only wanting to work because I think I should," so there's guilt, there's shame here.
Another core belief is I get everything done when it needs to get done. Everything that I need to do is done when it needs to happen, and when I'm feeling called to do it, that's when the timing is right. I have a pattern of rushing things, and if I'm feeling the pressure of wanting to get this done now, I can remind myself that I have a pattern of rushing things, if I'm feeling pressure to get it done quickly, it's not coming from me. It's coming from pressure. It's coming from fear. I kind of talk myself out of getting everything done when it needs to get done, and so if I choose to read this book or I choose to get up and try and work right now, I trust myself, and so whatever choice I make is the correct choice. That's another thing that I will play in my head, on a loop is: whatever choice I make is correct.
This comes back to a concept of there is no right or wrong. Things are only true. In the science world and the medical world, things are only true because we have not been able to prove that they are not true. I like to reference my nursing background with this. There are specific processes, and there are rules and regulations, and specific ways that we do things because we haven't seen that that's not correct yet. There’re so many things that medicine has said we should not be doing that.
We should be washing our hands between every single patient because hands carry germs. We didn't know that, and it wasn't a bad thing to be not washing your hands between touching patients until we recognized as a culture and recognize collectively that germs exist, they get on your hands, and you can transfer diseases to patients through touching them. Suddenly, because we have this new information, not washing your hands between patients became a bad thing. The behavior got labeled after the evidence was shown. Before that, there wasn't anything. You didn't know that it was good or bad. We only know things are correct because we don't have proof that it's not correct yet.
When it comes to non-medical things, non-germ related things, me choosing between reading a book or getting some work done, there's not a right answer there. There's not an ultimate 'this is the best thing that you should do'. There's no right answer. If reading the book is going to bring me satisfaction and reading the book is going to make me feel best and it's going to help me relax so that tomorrow I can show up really bright eyed and bushy tailed and ready to get things done, then reading the book is correct for me. If I'm reading the book because I'm avoiding something and I can tell them avoiding something, then reading the book might give me the space that I need, it might give me the time that I need to work up the courage to tackle that task, but really, it's you can spin it however way you want. Especially when it comes to your behaviors and your actions, there is no right or wrong; there is no correct answer. A core belief of mine is that whatever action I choose is the correct one, especially if it feels right to me and especially if I'm able to commit to it fully.
Sitting on the couch, I'll remind myself if I choose to read this book right now, if I choose to stay right here, consciously making this decision and consciously getting satisfied with that decision of just sitting here and reading a book. That's correct for me. If I choose it, then it's correct for me. There's been a lot of self-trust that's shown up for me, and every time that I have proof of me making a correct action or something like that, anytime I get that feedback, I'll repeat those things to myself. Something that I recognized is when I gave myself a full day to read, and there were a couple of months where I spent two full days, just reading, and doing nothing. Nothing but reading. Nothing but enjoying myself. Nothing but relaxing.
When I gave myself that freedom, what I recognized was I was so energized the next day. I was so ready to work the next day. The next days were really productive, but not in a ‘I checked everything off day,' they were productive because I was excited to be there. I gave myself that freedom to read. I gave myself the freedom to do what I wanted, and that actually was recharging my sacral center. It was recharging my vitality. It was recharging my satisfaction. It was recharging that life force energy battery that then I got to put towards my work the next day.
Doing less gave me the ability to do a lot more. My business has pretty much stabilized at this level. When I had two classes of SSCC, two masterminds, and private clients, there were over a hundred people that had direct access to me. There was like 150 people in my world that could ask me questions and were paying to be in my world and in my space. I had all of these containers; there were 150 people that I needed to show up for. I've gone from that to, I currently have one private client. One. Right now, I'm required to show up for four calls a month, and then the two team calls that I do. So, six calls a month. I have to be with people, and I have a set schedule for, I'm going to say eight hours, because I do go a little bit long on some of my calls.
I went from having over 150 people who needed me, relied on me, had questions for me, and I had to figure things out for, to I have to be somewhere for eight hours a month. And I've been able to stabilize my income, while completely restructuring the entire backside of my business, so that it is not relying on me needing to show up and respond with action consistently. Because me having 150 people who have direct access to me, that is me needing to respond to people and me needing to respond with action. I read a question and I have to respond to it. I have to think about it, come up with the answer, and respond to it. Or, a client, they need a login. I have to hop on and do that. I've gone from a business that was completely relying on my 34-20 channel of respond with action, respond with action, respond with action, to a business where I can show up consciously when I need to, but it's not solely relying on my conscious mind.
My unconscious body, my projector body, feels comfortable with the life that I have built. It feels comfortable with the amount of freedom that I have, so if I don't have the energy to show up, or if I don't have the desire to show up, I do not have to. I don't have to use my conscious mind to generate that energy and respond to things and get in the mood for it or anything like that.
This is what integration is, and it's taken me a year to learn how to rest, to learn how to relax, to learn how to trust people, to show myself that it's okay to rest. It's actually a good thing when I take time off and when I do rest, and to show my body that my business can grow and thrive, even if I'm not showing up consistently and responding with action.
When you look at your conscious and unconscious designs, because I want this to be applicable to everybody, when you're looking at your unconscious design, look at are there any centers that are defined consciously, but are not defined in your unconscious body. I know Genetic Matrix has a way where you can look at both your body and your design, and so that might be a great option to click through and figure out, or you can draw it out if you just look at all the red channels, all the red lines. If it's a half line, it's a hanging gate. If it's a full line, it's going to be a channel. You're looking at the red essentially. Are there any centers that are undefined unconsciously, but defined consciously? If there are, then you might have some unconscious conditioning in those centers. You get to show yourself that essentially you don't need to rely on that particular thing, and you can still have what you want.
I've done so much work around the G center, I'll use that and the head center as an example. The theme with the head center, since 72% of the population has this undefined in general, is I don't have to be searching for the answers in order to be successful, in order to run this company, in order to get where I want to go in life and help the people that I want to help. I don't have to search for the answers. I don't have to search for inspiration. If I am freaking out and I don't know what the answer is, I don't know how to figure this out or I don't understand, I will. This is something that I've convinced myself works enough to where it does work, and that has been through repetition and going through consciously choosing this perspective over and over and over again.
A core belief of mine is as soon as I decide something's done, the solution will show up. I don't need to find the answers, the answers come to me. The answers make themselves apparent. The proof that I have of this is that every single person who is currently on my team, I have not reached out to and hired. The first time I hired someone on my team, I put out one Instagram story and said, "I need help. Send me your DMs," and I ran interviews. Everyone else has been in my network. Everyone else has reached out and said, "Hey, I think that I could help you with this specific thing," and they've been exactly what I needed.
My business manager manages all the paperwork. I could not do this without her. She manages all the paperwork, and she is so helpful. But she reached out and said, "Hey, if you ever need help with taxes and things like that, I run a school district. I know how to do this, and I can help you." She reached out, and she is someone who helped me. The amazing woman who is helping me with marketing did the exact same thing. She said, "Hey, I love your energy, and if you're open to it, I would love to work with people like you. Can I help with your marketing? Can I help you with building out some automated systems so that you're not solely relying on live launching and needing to show up on Instagram every single day in order to make sales?" She reached out to me, and I was able to accept that. I was able to receive that help. The two other women on my team, the same exact thing where it wasn't me saying, "Hey, I need help with this specific position." The help just showed up when it needed to.
So, I don't have to search for answers, the answers come to me. That's something that I've said over and over again; that's something that I believe. As soon as I'm able to commit and say, "Okay, this whole problem, this whole situation, whatever it is, it's done. I'm done. I'm not searching for an answer here, it's figured out." That is what I will say. I don't have to search for the answers, the answers come to me; the solutions make themselves apparent. With my undefined G center, the deconditioning work that I've done there is I don't have to figure out who I am and where I'm going. I just show up and be who I need to be right now, and everything works out, but I don't have to figure out that big picture, that big vision, that sense of this is who I am, I've found myself.
Essentially with your undefined centers, you want to show your unconscious that you can do what you want to do without relying on the thing that you don't want to be relying on. You don't need that thing. You don't have to solve that. You don't have to figure that out in order to just receive what it is that you want to receive. There's been a ton of self-trust. There's been so much working through that shame around everything: resting, working, not working. At one point, it was ridiculous because I could be cleaning my house and the mental conversation was, “I have to be working. I have to be working. I'm not working." Or I could be working and then I would walk out to go refill my water and see that the house is a mess, and “Oh, I should've done that instead. I should be cleaning the house.” Literally whatever I was doing, I could shame myself into feeling like I was doing the wrong thing.
That’s a lot of what I had to work through was now that I have the freedom, I can trust myself to still get things done without insane amounts of pressure. I can show up for my business whenever I want to and I can build systems that allow me to just show up when I desire to and respond and create when I want to, but I don't have to rely on it. I don't have to exhaust myself in order to get where I want to go.
I actually want to talk about fitness too. I was a competitive gymnast for nine years, and before that I was on a competitive swim team for a couple of years. I've been active my entire life. As someone who is kind of an Energizer bunny at times, I have all four motor centers defined, I took that as 'I need high intensity.' After I was no longer in competitive sports, I started lifting. I've been weightlifting for a really long time; working out very consistently, working out intensely, high intensity intervals, an hour at least. I can't tell you how many workouts I've had that were over three hours long, and not just gymnastics or sports or anything like that, but just me at the gym. I started to have no desire to be lifting weights anymore. A lot of this really started with the ectopic pregnancy and with the surgery, because I couldn't really work out for a while. Of course, when the gyms closed with the pandemic, that's when it started to hit, but I've gone from needing to work out really intensely every single day to not working out nearly as much.
The logic that I was using was I wanted to play with what would it be like to live according to some of the rules that are put into place for projector types? Now, if you know me, you know that I really don't like using types as labels, but there is a lot of information around people with an undefined sacral center and projectors specifically. Because I'm looking at no motor centers connecting to the throat center, the projector body in me does way better with shorter workouts and with non-intense workouts. I have gone from weightlifting five, six days a week, meal prepping, working out really, really hard, doing extra cardio, tracking things, to I do yoga when I feel like it. I walk my dogs most days, but not for really long. We have a Peloton bike. I'm excited now that we're in a new area to start exploring some dance classes and maybe yoga classes outside of the house, going to a barre class this weekend, things like that, because they're fun and they're playful, but they're not super intense.
What's interesting is I've never felt better in my body. When I was lifting a lot and around the same time of quitting my job, growing really quickly, hitting a burnout, all of that, I felt stiff, and I felt dense, and I felt heavy in my body. I've never really been an overweight person. I'm really short, so I feel like if I gain weight, it's really obvious. I've never really struggled with my weight because I've always been super, super active. Of course, there is this belief of if I stop working out this intensely, I'm going to get fat. I'm going to gain a lot of weight and more shame, more shame, more shame, more shame. There was that judgment of there's a correct and an incorrect action for me to be doing.
What I've found is I feel so much better in my body. I've done a lot of emotional work, and I really associate, and I see weight and emotions are so correlated. If you're gaining weight in a specific way, it might be emotional. There might be emotional baggage that you've been holding on to because I've never felt better in my body, even though I am physically doing less. I was probably burning myself out physically too. Now, my favorite workouts are 20 to 30 minutes long. I have never done a Peloton workout that's longer than 45, and even those, I barely ever do a 45 minute workout. It's usually that 20 to 30 minutes makes me feel really good. A lot of the literature says short workouts are much better for projectors. Thinking about that and thinking about how my body is a projector, it loves 20 to 30 minute workouts. It thrives in that amount of time. I feel energized. I feel my blood moving. I feel destressed. I feel my head clearing, but it's not pushing myself, competing with myself, or pushing my physical body past comfort.
It's been really fun to play around with press handstands, and I'm just playing around with wolf turns, all these fun gymnastic-y skills that I used to have that I now feel limber enough. It just feels like there's space in my body, and my weight hasn't really changed much at all. I definitely feel like I've lost the muscle mass, which was okay, and I'm perfectly fine with that, but I feel so much better in my body. Again, it's this theory of I started to add in different things, but not needing it to be perfect and really trusting my body to lead me when it's necessary, and I'm following what feels good instead of what I can suffer through. What's the most that I can do? What's the most that I could suffer through? What's the most that I can accomplish in a shorter period?
That was just one more thing that was really helpful for the sacral burnout. It's been helpful for my emotional health. It's been helpful for my relationship to my body, because I'm enjoying it. I'm having fun with it, and I think that's really important versus lifting, it was no longer fun for me. There was some gym drama. It was just not the environment that I wanted to be in anymore. It just wasn't right for me anymore. I went through a phase for a couple of years, but I've been exploring different ways of connecting with my body and being in my body, and I think that's helped so much with vitality and with just feeling better in general, was doing a lot less.
I can't say for certain if it is just the fact that I was already overworking, or if it's because my unconscious design does not have a defined sacral center and so my body actually thrives on this more, that's just a correlation that I see. That's a pattern that I see in me, and that's what initially prompted me to try working out less in the first place.
I'll do a quick little recap because that was a whole lot of stories, whole lot of information, a whole lot of juicy, juicy things.
Core wound of shame: I've worked through a lot of shame over this past year, and as I integrated, there was this undercurrent of shame on every level. I realized that why I was doing a lot of the things that I was doing was based out of shame, and so there was the unconscious beliefs that I had around I would be really ashamed if I wasted this opportunity, and really that's where that fear of not doing enough and not being motivated was coming from. I was afraid of embarrassing myself by not making the most out of this opportunity. Those were the unconscious beliefs that came up.
There's been so much emotional work that comes up. I feel like this entire past year has been me thinking things through and showing myself the perspective that I want to see and testing my beliefs and testing my integrity and testing myself and really experimenting with my perspective. That has led to me reading 120 romances, fantasy, all these fun books that I've really enjoyed. There's been a couple that were meh, but I found some really incredible books. So, it's been a great hobby. It's added more satisfaction to my life, through the physical things that I've been doing as well, so how I'm taking care of my body.
That's also translated into, I am enjoying food more and, there's no shame around eating. I'm really trusting my body and that's translated to food as well. I think I'll have to do a whole blog on health and fitness.
If you are wanting to integrate some things into your unconscious, I would look at if there's any centers that are defined consciously that are undefined unconsciously, and those might be some really interesting places to find some conditioning that maybe you weren't aware you had. Then recognize that it takes time to integrate things into your unconscious mind. If you are integrating things into your unconscious, look at your unconscious design. See if there's anything there. See if it prompts you to explore something a little bit deeper.
Recognize that deconditioning takes a while, and if you want to look at your core wound, you can look at the line keynotes for the unconscious Mars gate. I would really just recommend looking at your gene keys chart for this. I think that it's a little bit easier to locate and navigate, but that theme might show up over and over and over again, and because it's an unconscious gate, I think there's even more fun correlations there.
If you are trying to make a change in your behavior, I highly recommend that you add something in, instead of taking something out. That's an amazing method that works really well for me. As you're deconditioning things, you'll recognize that you're dealing with themes, you're dealing with patterns, you're dealing with behaviors, and there's going to be moments where you have the opportunity to either choose the behavior pattern that you've been using and choose the behavior pattern that you've been going through, or you can choose a new action. You can choose to go in a new direction.
Challenge yourself. Maybe try that new direction, see if it works or not. Things are only true because we haven't been able to prove them as untrue, and so if you go in one direction and you come up against something and you're like “Woah, that is not the direction that I want to go in,” at least you know for sure. Taking any sort of action, taking any sort of movement can get you to more certainty and more clarity.